She was built to solve an impossible murder – or was she?
That’s right – you can now buy my new novel, The Electric Detective. Started in 2012, scrapped multiple times, finished in 2017, optioned by Universal that same year and almost made into a TV show (but not, sadly). And now it’s out!
It’s taken quite a while for this book to find a home; I hope you like it.
You can download it from Amazon here
Hey all, sorry it’s been a while since I last posted anything – February 2020 sure feels like a long time ago…
Just a quick post to announce that The Electric Detective will be published very soon; likely late September (watch this space).
To get you excited, here’s the wonderful cover designed by Kit Foster…
So here we are, the final cover reveal of the week before Note to Self, Time Rep, Time Rep: Continuum and Time Rep: Pandemonium are released tomorrow. But the difference with Time Rep: Pandemonium is this isn’t a re-release – it’s a brand new book, finishing off the Time Rep trilogy:
I hope you enjoy this new chapter in the Time Rep saga!
And just for kicks, here’s what the three Time Rep covers look like side-by-side:
Once again, huge thanks to Kit Foster at Literarty for doing such wonderful designs!
So you’ve seen the new covers for Note to Self and Time Rep, and now I’m pleased to reveal the new cover for Time Rep: Continuum:
What do you think? Pretty snazzy, right?
Again, huge thanks to my artist Kit Foster at Literarty for these designs – I hope you agree they look wonderful. Stay tuned tomorrow for the reveal of the cover to the new (and probably final) book in the Time Rep series, Time Rep: Pandemonium…
Continuing our run-up to the re-release of Note to Self, Time Rep, Time Rep: Continuum, and the brand new finale to the trilogy, Time Rep: Pandemonium on Friday 14th Febraury, I am delighted to reveal the new cover for Time Rep, designed by the wonderful Kit Foster:
As I’ve said in previous posts, this is a new and improved Time Rep with some little tweaks here and there that I think improve the overall reading experience. More details on the changes I’ve made can be found in a post I did a month or so back, but in summary: no swearing, better jokes, less filler, no Darren Bell, more Zoe!
Stay tuned tomorrow when I’ll be revealing the new cover for Time Rep: Continuum, with the cover for Time Rep: Pandemonium being revealed on Thursday!
Okay, bye for now…
That’s right – the day is almost here! I am delighted to announce that I have four books coming out at the end of this week: re-releases of Time Rep (which has had a slight re-write), its sequel Time Rep: Continuum, Note to Self, and a brand spanking-new book concluding the Time Rep trilogy called Time Rep: Pandemonium. So if you’re struggling to figure out what to buy your loved-one this Valentines Day, why not give them the gift of a book? And maybe some sort of romantic gift to accompany the book, just so you don’t get in trouble?
Joking aside, I want to offer huge thanks to my wonderful agent Ethan Ellenberg for republishing my old books and allowing Time Rep: Pandemonium to see the light of day. It’s actually been over a year since I finished writing it, so to see it finally appear on Amazon available to buy will be amazing. I also want to thank my editor Raelene Gorlinksy for all her help and advice in prepping the new books for release, as well as her efforts for editing Time Rep: Pandemonium.
So here comes the sales bit: as a specal offer to entice new readers in, the e-book price for Time Rep will be a highly-reasonable $0.99 for a limited time only, with the other books retailing at $2.99. So please tell all your friends! I’ll post the links to the books on Friday, as well as putting some stuff up on social media.
The books also all have new covers, so this week I’ll be previewing each one in the run up to release day. I want to credit Kit Foster from Literarty for all his hard work on these – I hope you agree they all look awesome, and if any of you ever write a book and a looking for a cover artist, I can highly recommend him!
So first up, here’s the new cover for Note to Self:
Stay tuned for previews of the covers of Time Rep, Time Rep: Continuum and Time Rep: Pandemonium this Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday!
I’ve got to admit – I’m getting pretty excited about Time Rep and Time Rep: Continuum being re-released, as well as Time Rep: Pandemonium – the conclusion to the trilogy, which is being released for the first time. I’ve just finished working with an artist on new covers for the three books (which I’ll be showing you soon, just as soon as I know the release date for everything ), and I’ve got to say – I think they look pretty awesome. So watch this space for those.
But another opportunity the re-release of the books has given me is to actually go back and make some improvements to the first book. As some of you are probably aware, I started writing Time Rep when I was at University, which was almost twenty years ago, and I’ve learnt a lot about writing since then to know that there are some things I would have liked to have done differently. So I went back and changed it, which felt kind of like going back in time and changing the past, which is quite apt…
Now, for fans of the original Time Rep, and to quote Douglas Adams: don’t panic. I’m not going all George Lucas on this and writing a ‘Time Rep: Special Edition’, adding loads of pointless deleted scenes back in, changing the way characters behave (we all know Han shot first), and deciding to add in an atrocious musical number somewhere for kicks (I’m looking at you, Return of the Jedi ‘Special Edition’).
No, if anything, I’ve taken the opportunity to tighten up the first book a bit – removing a bit of filler that I’ve always felt slowed down the pace, adding / changing some of the jokes (taking out ones that in hindsight just weren’t that funny and hopefully adding in some better ones), and taking another look at some sections that I feel I can write a bit better, now that I’m a bit more experienced. I felt sometimes I was a little lazy and leant on clichés jut to get to the end of the sentence, and I know I can do better than that.
Another thing a light re-write has enabled me to do is add a touch more foreshadowing to events that happen in the later books. You see, whilst I did have something of a plan for Time Rep as a trilogy when I was writing the first book, I didn’t really know the specifics of what was going to happen in books two and three, so couldn’t really reference them. But now, with all three books written, I can drop in that little non-spoiler reference to something that’s yet to come – something subtle enough to pass a first-time reader by, but rewarding when you finally get to the part when you realise what that seemingly innocuous detail was referring to. And for those readers new to Time Rep that won’t know the book was re-written to include foreshadowing, it will also make me look super-clever for being able to think so far ahead, which is a bonus. So don’t tell them.
Another change I’ve made is the removal of a character entirely – Darren Bell, Geoff’s annoying next door neighbour who he meets at the beginning and end of the first book. At the time, I think Darren (although not based on anyone I knew) was supposed to represent the kind of people I don’t get on with, and the scenes were only there to allow a nerd to stick two fingers up at an arrogant narcissist. But looking back, the scene was only really motivated by my own prejudices, didn’t really achieve anything, and we never heard from Darren again, so I decided it was better to remove him from the story altogether. In Darren’s place, we now get to see more interaction between Geoff and Zoë, who has a much more pivotal role in books two and three (particularly in Time Rep: Pandemonium, as you’ll soon find out), which I feel works a lot better.
And one final change I’ve made is to remove all the swearing, just because it’s so unnecessary. Looking back, I don’t really think it added anything to the dialogue, and if that means parents might be more comfortable reading this to their kids as a bedtime story, then that’s good (though they may want to gloss over the part in chapter five where Eric tells Geoff he’s taken a semen sample from him to check for diseases)
So anyway, I think there’s only a few weeks to go now before all three books are out, along with Note to Self, which is also getting a new lease of life. I do hope you enjoy the new and improved Time Rep, and for those close enough to the book to spot the difference between old and new, I hope you agree with the changes I’ve made.
Now, back to writing my treatment for that alternative Star Wars Episode VIII!
So it’s over. The nine Star Wars films that make up the ‘Skywalker saga’ have finally concluded with the latest instalment, The Rise of Skywalker, and overall the reaction has been somewhat mixed. After a perfectly decent (if derivative) soft reboot with Episode VII, Episode VIII divided fans due to the direction it chose to take the story, while Episode IX seemed to be attempting to ‘put things right’ so much, many felt it suffered from immersion-breaking levels of retconning and gaping plot-holes as a result.
The internet is awash with reviews of The Rise of Skywalker at the moment, and as I’m not really sure what I can add to the conversation about what did and didn’t work about the latest film, I’m not going to bother reviewing it as well. Instead, I thought it would be a good writing exercise to think about how I would have approached making the Star Wars sequel trilogy differently, taking all the strands and characters from the original trilogy and letting them play out across a storyline of my own creation. So here’s what I would have done, starting with…
Star Wars Episode VII: A New Fear
The first film in this new trilogy would be set 30 years after Return of the Jedi, with a married Leia and Han preparing for a memorial ceremony for those that lost their lives at the Battle of Endor, which Leia is hosting on Coruscant in her capacity as the long-running elected leader of a new galactic government. Through this ceremony, new fans would be on-boarded with the lore and events of the previous films (very important after a long break since Episode VI), and we would learn about the many new alliances and political relationships that have established themselves since then.
The ceremony would be interspersed with scenes establishing the fate of the old Empire – the military fleet is in the process of being dismantled, senior officers were put on trial and sentenced to life imprisonment on a high-security exile planet, and lower-grade staff (many of whom were either clone troops or forced to join the Imperial Navy against their will) have been pardoned and re-integrated into society. However, not all the senior Imperials were captured – many changed their identities and disappeared, and Leia’s intelligence network believe they have become sleeper-agents; dormant loyalists to the Emperor waiting for a supposedly prophesised event that will give the Empire an opportunity to rise again. But with the Emperor dead and the galaxy entering an era of peace, what could this event possibly be?
The Endor memorial ceremony would show how Leia has grown to be a strong, experienced political leader, and how Han, as an ex-smuggler, has found he has a knack for his own special brand of diplomacy, using his connections and charm to forge alliances with the criminal underworld, brokering peace treaties with systems that might have traditionally been somewhat unsavoury. From the representatives of the different star systems we meet at the ceremony, the audience would quickly understand the geography of the Star Wars universe (something I always felt would benefit from being better established), the scale of the new government, and the fragility of some of the treaties (particularly with some of the shadier systems Han has dealings with.)
The ceremony would show what a great team Han and Leia are, and make the audience appreciate what they have built together since the Empire was defeated (this is also important, as it establishes what is now at stake). However – there would also be rumblings that some people are unhappy that Leia has been in power for so long, and feel a change of leadership would not be unwelcome. Leia understands this perspective, but is also conflicted about stepping down – although she knows she is getting old, she still feels very protective over what she has built and is not ready to hand it over to someone else (or at least, she has not yet met the person she feels she could trust to take over).
It is at this point the audience would be introduced to the sequel trilogy’s new villain – a female Imperial Admiral in her late 60’s, in command of a single, old-fashioned Star Destroyer. It would transpire that this Admiral was sent on a top-secret mission to the far reaches of the galaxy by the Emperor, years before the Empire collapsed (sometime in-between the events of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi), and has only just returned. She is shocked to discover that the Emperor is dead and a new government is in place, however her mission has been a success, and she has come back with the very thing the Emperor sent her to find – something that would have crushed anyone who stood in the Empire’s way, and something she knows she can use to tip the balance back in the Empire’s favour. Learning of the heavily-defended exile planet where many Imperials are being held prisoner and the old fleet is slowly being dismantled in its orbit, she sets a course for that system with a plan to free everyone. But with just one Star Destroyer under her command, how on Earth does she intend to do this? Just what did she discover on her secret mission that gives her the confidence to take on a seemingly more powerful opponent?
Meanwhile, the audience would catch up with Luke, and see that he has established a Jedi Academy on an uninhabited jungle planet in the outer rim. Over the last 30 years he has been training a new generation in the ways of the force, with the hope of creating a new Jedi order. This includes Han and Leia’s son Ben, who has been particularly adept as a force-user ever since he was a child. However, it transpires that Ben has recently been having issues controlling his power for some unknown reason, at times being cut off from the force completely, or not being able to yield it as he wishes. On the day of the Endor ceremony, Ben has a vision that something terrible is about to happen, something that may even change the nature of the force forever. He tries to warn Luke, however his Master senses nothing and fears that this ‘vision’ is another symptom of the issues his apprentice is having using the force. He suggests Ben takes a break from his training and fly back to spend time with his mother and father, so Ben sets off in the Millennium Falcon (which he has borrowed from his dad, as you do) to recuperate.
After the Endor Ceremony on Coruscant, the audience would witness the day-to-day running of the new galactic government, as well as some of the political complexities that Leia has to deal with as leader, with different factions attempting to pursue their own agendas. (For example, Leia may be attempting to pass a law banning slavery, but certain planets Han has set fragile treaties up with fear their economies will collapse and are trying to weaken the legislation). Leia is desperate to improve the rights that the Empire eroded away, but she is also conflicted, as she recognises the need for democracy to accommodate different views.
Meanwhile, during his flight back to Coruscant, Ben has another force-vision, compelling him to pull the Falcon out of hyperspace and investigate a massive disturbance he has sensed in the force. He receives a distress call and finds himself flying to the exile planet where the Imperials are being held prisoner. However, when he arrives, the planet and its defensive fleet have been totally devastated, and hundreds of thousands of Imperial officers and other dangerous prisoners are gone. He also notices a large number of Imperial capital ships that were in the process of being dismantled in orbit are missing, including a Super Star Destroyer. Upon landing on the planet, he rescues a sole survivor – a girl in her early 20s called Rey. Rey says she worked at the prison as a security guard, though Ben’s issues with using the force mean he is unable to determine if she is telling the truth or not. As they attempt to flee the planet, more Star Destroyers (crewed by freed prisoners) start up out of the mothballed fleet and attempt to catch them. Here you could have a cool chase through a ship graveyard in space, which the Falcon would eventually escape through and enter hyperspace back to Coruscant. Because you gotta have some action in Star Wars.
The Admiral’s next stop is Luke’s Jedi Academy (the existence of which she learns from the staff on the exile planet, some of whom are captive on her ship), and she arrives in her Star Destroyer accompanied by a few of the other Imperial ships she liberated. She leads a platoon of Stormtroopers to attack the Academy, and whilst Luke and his apprentices are able to put up a valiant defence for a while, eventually they are overwhelmed. In fact, Luke’s attempts to use the force begin to fail, much to his horror and surprise. With the Jedi mysteriously subdued, the Admiral meets Luke, as she is still saddened by the Emperor’s death and wants to confront the man responsible for killing him. At this point the force ghost of Anakin appears and reveals it was he who threw the Emperor to his death on the second Death Star. The Admiral is furious and responds by doing something that stuns Luke – with a movement of her hand, she is actually able to inflict pain on Anakin’s force ghost, bringing him to his knees! The Admiral sees the shock on Luke’s face at this ability and smiles, telling him that whatever powers the Sith or Jedi ever thought they had over the force are nothing compared to what she is now capable of. She takes Luke prisoner, decimates the Jedi Academy from orbit, and heads for Coruscant.
Ben and Rey arrive back at Coruscant and rush to warn Leia and Han about the attack on the exile planet, only to discover Leia is in a massive senate session and cannot be reached. During a heated argument in the senate between Leia and the leader of a disgruntled planet objecting to a piece of legislation she is trying to pass, a number of representatives from different regions of the galaxy are force-strangled in their seats and die. Later investigations into this mass-assassination reveal that all of those who died were from systems that had issues Leia’s role as Galactic leader, and had been campaigning for her to step down.
At this moment, the Admiral arrives in orbit around Coruscant accompanied by a few ships reclaimed from the exile planet, and broadcasts a planet-wide message saying she has uncovered a conspiracy by the Skywalkers to use the dark side of the force to rule the galaxy as they see fit. She explains she has Luke in custody, and refers to the mission the Emperor sent her on, saying she has come back with something to end the tyranny that force-users have been able to exert on the rest of the galaxy until now. This accusation, coupled with the fact that Leia is known to be a powerful force user, make Leia the primary suspect for the murders, and the situation is not helped by a number of dignitaries and influential people across the senate who quickly take the Admiral’s side. (Leia begins to suspect that these people may be those gone-to-ground Imperial agents her spies warned her about.) Leia protests her innocence but agrees to be taken into custody until the truth is uncovered. Although not under suspicion, Han refuses to leave her side and goes with her.
We would then have a prison-break set-piece, with Ben and Rey breaking Han and Leia out of their prison on Coruscant. In the end, Leia chooses to stay behind to attempt to maintain some degree of influence over the government whilst fighting the charges against her but insists Han escapes with Ben and Rey so they can learn more about what is going on at a safe distance and formulate a plan to take on the Admiral. As they leave, they see Leia being put on board a ship to be taken to the Admiral’s Star Destroyer. They attempt to intercept the ship but are chased by other Imperial fighters, so Han begins to calculate Hyperspace co-ordinates for them to escape.
Meanwhile, on board the Admiral’s Star Destroyer, Luke attempts to mount his own escape from his ‘quarters’ (basically a large prison cell with a window), though he is still hampered by his lack of force powers, which is distressing him. He calls out to Obi Wan and Yoda but they do not reply. He suspects the visions Ben was having and the issues he was having with the force actually point to a very special ability Han and Leia’s son may have in foreseeing and perhaps combating this new dimension the force has taken on, and laments not realising this sooner.
Suddenly, he senses his force powers return and uses them to escape his cell and investigate the ship. He discovers a room secluded in the middle of the Star Destroyer where he overhears the Admiral having a conversation with a strange apparition; a conversation he can only perceive by stretching his force-perception to its limit. The tone of the conversation suggests some sort of disagreement is taking place, but before he can discern any more information, the Admiral notices him and ends her conversation. The moment she does this, Luke loses his force powers again and is taken back to his quarters.
When he arrives back in his room, he finds Leia there as well. She is looking desperately out of the window at the fighters chasing the Millennium Falcon, and other Star Destroyers firing at the ship. As they watch it take heavy damage before finally escaping into hyperspace, Luke puts his arm round Leia’s shoulder and they stare into the empty void in front of them, ending the film with a shot mirroring the ending of The Empire Strikes Back.
So there you go – as I say, I just wanted to have a bit of fun with this a writing exercise, so I hope you enjoyed it. But what will happen next? Are Han, Ben and Rey alright, and will they be able to rescue Luke and Leia? How does this mysterious Admiral have such an unnatural control over the force? What/Who was that mysterious apparition she was talking to? And what is so special about Ben? Find out more in my alternative Star Wars Episode VIII, coming soon-ish!
I do like a bag of crisps, you know. And I also think I’m a bit of an expert on them, what with the fact that I used to be the crisp buyer for Sainsbury’s in a previous life, buying and selling A LOT of the bloody things. (I also used to buy chocolate for Sainsbury’s for a couple of years, which made people stare at me in disbelief at parties when I was asked what I did for a living. Spolier alert – it was stressful, though I did get to go to Belgium and Switzerland now and then and stuff my face.)
Anyway, I know this has nothing to do with books or writing or being an author or Time Rep or any of that, but nontheless I want to start a new regular segment on this blog called Crispwatch™, where I review different crisps I’ve discovered. So this week on Crispwatch™, I want to draw your attention to the Co-op’s limited edition Gourmet Burger Crinkle Cut Crisps. For anyone reading this from outside the UK, the Co-op is a chain of supermarkets who used to have the slogan ‘good with food’, but on the TV adverts the narrator rhymed ‘good’ with ‘food’ so it actually sounded like they were saying ‘gud with fud’. Anyway – back to the crisps – they look like this (or at least, the packet does):
Now, I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I thought when I bought these crisps – all meat crisps generally taste the same, and the only reason your brain makes you think they taste any different is how the flavour is described on-pack. A key offender for me in this regard is Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference Limited Edition Maple-Glazed Duck crisps, which sound amazing but basically just taste like a generic meat crisp. And this is fine (and I still ate the entire 150g sharing bag to myself, as is standard for me), but you could have just as easily told me the crisps were BBQ Beef Brisket flavour and I would have believed you.
However, with these Gourmet Burger crisps, it really is amazing how much they actually taste like a burger. And take a closer look at the ingredients listed on the front: beef, cheese, tomato, dill pickle AND chilli? Surely a humble crisp can’t contain all those flavours, and for your mouth to be able to pick them out all individually? Well, no – I can’t say I got all those flavours, but I could taste the cheese and the burger (which actually did taste like a beef patty and not just a generic meaty flavour). And most importantly, I could also taste the pickle, which cut through the underlying meaty/fatty flavours and gave the crisps a nice tang, a bit like a more tame pickled-onion Monster Munch, but with more depth as the sharpness of the pickle mixed with the other flavours.
Another plus-point of these crisps is that they are crinkle cut, meaning all that lovely seasoning sits in those grooves and packs that extra punch if you lay one down on your tongue flavour-side down and let it all soak in. And the crisps themselves had a satisfying crunch.
As I’d just had dinner before eating these (I do like eating crisps for my pudding), at the time of writing I haven’t finished the pack and as such haven’t got round to running my finger along the bottom of the bag and scooping up all the dregs of seasoning to suck on – but once I do, I’m sure it will be amazing.
In conclusion, these crisps do a remarkable job of recreating the flavour of a gourmet burger. I didn’t quite register all the different individual flavours promised on the bag, but nonetheless these are the best crisps I’ve had in terms of living up to the description since the M&S Chicken Katsu Curry ones, which I also recommend and may talk about in the next episode of Crispwatch™…
Pete’s score: 9/10
As some of you may know from reading my previous blog entries, as well as writing the third Time Rep over the past few years, I also finished writing another book (not related to Time Rep) called The Electric Detective.
The Electric Detective is a futuristic locked-room murder mystery and stars Penelope – an android purpose built to solve a seemingly impossible crime. My fantastic agent Ethan is currently ciculating it to publishers to see if anyone is interested in picking it up, so at the moment I don’t know what the future holds for it.
The manuscript has had an interesting history though – it was the subject of many re-starts (at one point I made the heart-breaking decision to completely scrap 70,000 words after realising what I’d written was terrible), and overall it took me about six years before I completed it and was happy with the final product. The manuscript also got optioned at one point by one of the major Hollywood studios, though sadly nothing ever came of that and the option has now expired. But it was certainly exciting at the time (and it’s interesting to see how filmmakers adapt your work into a treatment, which maybe I’ll talk about another time), and gives me hope that someday the book may see the light of day…
Anyway, I thought I’d share the first chapter of the book, just for those of you who are interested. Enjoy:
CHAPTER ONE
It’s generally accepted that nobody can remember back to the day they were born. In fact most people will struggle to tell you what they were doing last Tuesday. Those who say they can remember being born are usually mistaken – more often than not, they’re either recalling a vivid dream they’ve mistaken for reality, or they’re lying. If you really could think back that far, you would be a very special person indeed, since the hippocampus (the part of the brain thought to be involved in structuring memories, in case you’d forgotten) isn’t fully formed until early childhood, which is why once you’re all grown up, things start to go a little hazy if you try and remember anything you experienced before the age of two.
Unlike most people, Penelope could remember every single detail about first coming into the world.
She could remember the first time she gained consciousness.
The first thing she ever saw when she opened her eyes.
The first sound she ever heard.
Then again, that was only seven minutes ago, so this wasn’t much of an achievement in her view.
In that time, Penelope had felt her head being carried across the room by an overhead crane and lowered onto a grey, metallic torso, which was suspended in mid-air by a DroidTec H22 harness. Her head and body were then spun in opposite directions until the connection was tight, before six hexagonal M10 x 30mm bolts were screwed into her neck to hold everything in place. Next, her grey, metal arms were positioned either side of her by two different overhead cranes, before being popped simultaneously into their ball and socket joints. Once this was done, the two cranes dashed off again like a couple of bull terriers chasing a stick, before returning a few moments later with her legs, which were placed underneath her body and popped into the sockets on the underside of her pelvis.
Penelope waited for a moment. According to her in-built knowledge of DroidTec’s production process, this should have been the moment when a voice in her head introduced itself as her internal operating system, yet she couldn’t hear anything.
Maybe she should say something.
Hello? she ventured. Penelope didn’t say this word out loud, she just thought it. All communication with her operating system was conducted in her head.
<HELLO TO YOU TOO> came a reply.
Although this voice wasn’t audible anyone else, to her it sounded deep, synthetic and monotone, as though it was being generated by the one of those early computers from the 1980s.
Are you okay? Penelope asked. You were overdue with your introduction by 5.4 seconds.
<SORRY ABOUT THAT>
<I GOT DISTRACTED>
Distracted? By what?
<MY SENSORS DETECTED A LITTLE SPIDER ON YOUR LEFT HAND>
A spider?
<YES>
<A LITTLE ONE>
Penelope lifted up her left hand and flexed her fingers. Sure enough, a small lace web spider was crawling between her thumb and index finger.
Oh yes, Penelope said. I see it…
<IT MUST HAVE BEEN RESTING ON YOUR HAND IN STORAGE WHEN THE CRANE BROUGHT IT HERE FOR ASSEMBLY>
As Penelope and her operating system conversed, several motorised arms continued to dance around her, jabbing different length screws into different sized holes across her body and tightening them to the point where they would be very difficult to untighten. Penelope lifted her hand a little bit higher to keep the spider safe.
<WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH IT>
Despite asking a question, the cadence of her operating system’s voice didn’t rise at the end. It sounded quite monotonous, but there was a simple charm to it.
I don’t know, Penelope said. I haven’t been pre-programmed with any information on how to deal with spiders…
The spider apparently knew what to do though, as at that moment, it leapt from her hand and descended to the floor below on a long, dangling web. Upon landing, it stood around for a few seconds as if it was hoping another spider might show up to give it some directions, before scuttling off through a small air vent on the other side of the room.
<WELL THAT TAKES CARE OF THAT>
Penelope smiled. Although her internal operating system was a critical foundation of her programming infrastructure (it was, after all, the platform upon which her own personality software ran), it’s only real function other than sustaining her existence was to take care of boring sub-routine stuff; operational tasks that weren’t necessary to bother her conscious thought processes with. The arrangement was similar to how a human wouldn’t consciously think about pumping blood around its body with its heart or regulating stomach acids to digest food – in the same way, her operating system dealt with things like power regulation, operational efficiency, and internal maintenance. It was also there to act as an internal companion; a separate personality she was able to maintain a constant communication with. This symbiotic relationship with her operating system was critical to keeping her artificial intelligence stimulated and healthy.
On top of all those responsibilities, it seemed this operating system had a thing for nature too.
Or maybe it was just spiders.
Penelope lowered her hand down to her side and watched as the last two M10 x 30mm screws were spun into the balls of her feet, before the motorised arms concertinaed themselves down into foldaway compartments built into the floor.
Suddenly, she was hoisted up in the air by the crane, rotated 180 degrees, and conveyed down a brightly lit corridor, still hanging in her harness. The crane followed a thin track that was set into the ceiling. She looked down at the floor as she weaved her way through the twisting passageways of DroidTec’s production facility. The crane was picking up quite a speed, the momentum swinging her body from one side to the other each time she banked around a corner.
Had she any experience of the outside world, she might have likened the experience to riding a roller-coaster, but just as she lacked the knowledge of how to deal with spiders, this was another experience her brain hadn’t been pre-programmed with, so she didn’t liken the sensation to anything.
According to DroidTec’s standard assembly procedures, it was as this point that Penelope was supposed to check her internal documentation to find out who had commissioned her, and why she had been built. For some reason though, she couldn’t seem to find anything.
<I COULD NOT FIND ANYTHING EITHER>
<THE IDENTITY OF YOUR CREATOR AND THE REASON YOU HAVE BEEN BUILT ARE NOT YET KNOWN>
That’s a bit unusual isn’t it? Penelope said.
<THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT TOO>
Do you think they forgot?
<POSSIBLY>
<HUMANS DO FORGET THINGS NOW AND AGAIN>
<BUT IT IS USUALLY BIRTHDAYS OR WHERE THEY LEFT THEIR KEYS>
<THE DROIDTEC PRODUCTION PROCESS IS VERY STRICT>
<IF THAT INFORMATION IS MISSING IT MUST HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT DELIBERATELY>
Deliberately? But why would someone want to conceal the reason I’ve been built?
<PLEASE WAIT – THINKING>
<THINKING>
<THINKI…>
You don’t have to tell me when you’re thinking, you know. Just… think.
<OKAY I HAVE FINISHED THINKING>
And?
<I HAVE A POSSIBLE ANSWER>
<PERHAPS THE REASON YOU HAVE BEEN BUILT IS CONFIDENTIAL>
<IN VERY RARE CIRCUMSTANCES – 1 IN 4567222 – A DROID IS ONLY BREIFED VERBALLY ABOUT WHY THEY HAVE BEEN BUILT FOR CONFIDENTIALITY PURPOSES>
Confidentiality, huh? Hey – maybe I’m a spy or something.
Her operating system went silent for a moment.
<I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SPY>
<IT SOUNDS DANGEROUS>
The crane came to a stop outside large set of double-doors that said “COSM” on the left door and “ETICS” on the right. Put them together, and they spelt “Cosmetics”. Or if you mixed the letters up, you could get “Comic Sets”, according to her automatic anagram generator. She doubted this was a room were DroidTec stored sets of comics though, and doubted even more that they jumbled the letters on their doors for fun.
No, this was probably the Cosmetics department.
The double-doors opened with a quiet hiss, and the crane carried her slowly into a spacious, white room. Penelope followed the crane’s track along the ceiling with her eyes. Up ahead, she noticed that the path ended above a square tank of clear liquid, just large enough to accommodate a person.
Hey, Penelope said. Do you mind if I give you name?
<YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A NAME>
Yes. I want to be able to call you something.
<I SUPPOSE THAT WOULD BE OKAY>
<WHAT NAME DID YOU HAVE IN MIND>
Penelope found the way her operating system couldn’t alter the cadence of its voice to indicate it was asking a questions very endearing. It was basic, but somehow…
I think I’ve got a name for you.
<OKAY>
I’m going to call you Basic.
<BASIC>
Basic.
<LIKE THAT REALLY OLD PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE DEVELOPED OVER TWO CENTURIES AGO THAT NO-ONE USES ANYMORE>
Yes.
<THANKS>
The crane began to move again.
You’re welcome, Basic, Penelope said, looking down as she came to a stop directly above the tank of clear liquid. A number of different coloured squares appeared in Penelope’s vision, as if they were just floating in mid-air in front of her.
“What’s this?” she asked.
<THIS IS AUGMENTED REALITY>
<IT ALLOWS A VIRTUAL IMAGE TO BE PROJECTED ON TOP OF YOUR NORMAL FIELD OF VISION>
I know what augmented reality is, Penelope said. I meant why am I looking at all these different coloured squares?
<IT SEEMS YOUR CREATOR HAS GIVEN YOU THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN SKIN COLOUR>
<WHICH IS MOST UNUSUAL>
Well I don’t really have a preference, Penelope said. You pick one for me.
<THINKING>
<THINKING>
Basic?
<YES>
What did I say you shouldn’t do whenever you’re thinking?
<THINKING>
<YOU TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU WHEN I WAS… OH>
That’s right. So just pick a colour. It doesn’t really make any difference which one we choose, does it?
<NOT REALLY>
<THE LAST INCIDENT OF RACIAL DISCRIMINATION WAS RECORDED 78.4 YEARS AGO>
Exactly. So just pick one.
With that, the squares in front of her faded away, and the liquid below changed into the colour that had been chosen for her.
Penelope closed her eyes and mouth.
At that moment, the harness released her body, and she felt herself plunge straight into the tank.
It’s warm, Penelope said to Basic as her head disappeared beneath the surface of the liquid and her feet touched the floor. She swirled her arms around, feeling the liquid sticking to her body as she moved. It was quite a thick substance, with a strange chemical smell she couldn’t place, most likely because she’d never experienced the smell of any chemicals to compare it to.
<MY SENSORS DETECT YOU ARE NOW FULLY COATED>
<PLEASE REMAIN STILL>
Penelope did as she was asked. Once she stopped moving, she could sense the excess liquid draining out of the tank all around her.
<YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW>
Penelope looked down at herself and felt slightly repulsed at what she saw. She was now completely covered in the strange liquid, which stuck to her like a thin film of mucus encasing an insect. She watched the last remnants of liquid seep through the grilled floor of the tank and waited.
Suddenly, a blast of hot air rushed up from below, instantly drying the liquid on her body and giving it a slightly blemished, soft texture, much like human skin. Then the hot air stopped, the four sides of the tank folded back and lowered into the floor, and Penelope was left standing in the middle of an empty room, alone.
At first glance, a regular person would say she looked completely naked, but to Penelope, she felt anything but. From her point of view, her naked metal frame was now fully clothed – in synthetic skin.
But this was just the beginning of her cosmetic procedure. There were several additional tweaks that needed to be made to her appearance before she could walk into the local newsagent without raising a few eyebrows.
Like eyebrows, for a start.
Then there was eye colour, lip pigment, hair, fingernails… the list DroidTec had preloaded into her head went on and on.
In front of her, a panel in the ceiling slid open and a full-length mirror lowered down from above. On either side, it was accompanied by various racks of clothes, makeup and other strange accessories; shelves upon shelves unfolding automatically like the petals of a giant flower coming to bloom.
Penelope looked up and down at her body in the mirror, tilting her head from one side to the other.
How do I look? she said, turning around on the balls of her feet to examine the back of her body.
<YOU HAVE BEEN DESIGNED TO REPRESENT AN IDEALISED EXAGERATION OF THE FEMALE HUMAN FORM>
<YOUR LEGS ARE 15% LONGER THAN THE HUMAN FEMALE AVERAGE>
<YOUR WAIST IS 25% NARROWER THAN THE HUMAN FEMALE AVERAGE>
<YOUR BREASTS ARE…>
I get the idea, Penelope said. She paused for a moment, before looking down at the two soft mounds sticking out of her chest. Wait – what were you going to say about my breasts?
<NOTHING>
Nothing?
<ALL I WILL SAY IS THAT THERE ARE VERY FEW REAL WOMEN IN THE WORLD WHO HAVE A BODY LIKE YOURS>
Yes. Especially since I don’t have any nipples yet.
Penelope turned to face the nearest array of accessories and started to think about the many finishing touches and tweaks she needed to make to her appearance.
The first of these tweaks was to add some hair. Penelope was instinctively aware that the vast majority of people had this filamentous biomaterial growing from the many follicles found in their dermis, but according to Basic, choosing the right way to wear the stuff was extraordinarily important to pretty much everyone on the entire planet. Some people apparently spent an absolute fortune on determining how their hair should look, and as such a whole industry had sprung up based around people who were very good at cutting it into different styles, changing it into different colours, or just rubbing special liquids into it to make it feel “silky and smooth.”
<WHAT SORT OF HAIR DO YOU WANT>
I don’t know, Penelope replied, picking up a programmable wig off the shelf and twirling it in her hand. Just normal. What’s a normal sort of hairstyle?
<THE AVERAGE FEMALE HAIR LENGTH IS 20.5 CENTIMETRES>
<AN AMALGAMATION OF THE FEMALE HAIR COLOUR SPECTRUM SUGGESTS THE AVERAGE COLOUR IS PANTONE 1395>
Pantone 1395?
<YOU COULD ALSO DESCRIBE IT AS LIGHT BROWN>
<BUT I PREFER PANTONE 1395>
<MORE PRECISE>
I see.
<BASED ON THIS INFORMATION I WOULD OPT FOR SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR>
<IN PANTONE 1395>
Let’s do that then, Penelope said, placing the wig on her head. She felt it deploy thousands of miniature latches into her scalp, before establishing communications with Basic and downloading her desired hairstyle and colour. Within twenty seconds the bio-flex hairs had adjusted themselves accordingly, giving Penelope the appearance of having a shoulder-length bob in Pantone 1395. She tossed her head from side to side, feeling the artificial strands brush against her skin.
This stuff is going to get on my nerves, she said.
<YOU GET USED TO IT>
How would you know? Have you ever had hair?
<NO>
<I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER>
Penelope was able to rattle through the remaining cosmetic tweaks fairly quickly. By the time she was done she had green eyes, pale cream fingernails, eyebrows that matched her hair colour, long eyelashes, burgundy lips, and two nipples that attached to the tips of her breasts with a special adhesive. She also helped herself to a couple of spare nipples in case the ones she had fell off, placing them in the small storage compartment housed inside her left buttock. Accessing this storage compartment required her to break the seal of her skin across her lower back to pull the drawer open, but she didn’t think anyone would notice once she was dressed, unless her secret assignment was to be a swimwear model, which was doubtful.
In terms of clothes, her choice was quite limited. Whoever had asked for her to be built had obviously wanted her to appear quite formal, as there were no casual items to choose from – just different coloured suits. The suits came in cream, grey, blue, black, green and white. In the end, she opted for a black, pinstriped skirt that came just below the knee, a matching jacket with a single button that did up at the front, a pale cream blouse, and some black heels.
How old do you think I look? Penelope asked, looking at her reflection once again in the mirror.
<I WOULD SAY THIRTY TWO MINUTES>
<WHICH IS HOW OLD YOU ARE>
I meant how old would you say I looked if I were a human?
<OH I SEE>
<IF YOU WERE HUMAN I WOULD SAY YOU LOOK TWENTY-SEVEN>
Twenty-seven?
<YES>
<TWENTY-SEVEN>
That’s very specific.
There was a brief moment of silence.
<WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO BE MORE VAGUE>
No, it’s just…
<I COULD SAY YOU LOOK TO BE IN YOUR LATE TWENTIES>
<OR BETWEEN THE AGES OF TWENTY-SIX AND TWENTY-EIGHT>
<BUT I THINK YOU LOOK TWENTY-SEVEN>
Twenty-Seven it is, Penelope said. Well, I think I’m about ready.
As if knowing they were no longer needed, the mirror and clothing racks ascended back up into their ceiling compartment, and the panel slid closed again.
Penelope checked her internal clock. Assuming it was calibrated correctly, it had just gone five in the afternoon.
So what do I do now? she asked.
<WE WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS>
That’s it?
<YOU DO HAVE SOLITAIRE BUILT IN IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TO PASS THE TIME>
It’s fine – I’ll wait, Penelope said. I’m sure whoever commissioned me to be built isn’t going to be too long.
No sooner had Penelope finished speaking, a door at the other end of the room opened, and a woman in a three-quarter length black coat walked in. By Penelope’s estimation, she looked to be between the age of fifty and fifty-five, with a long grey pony-tail draped over the front of her right shoulder, secured with three silver bands so as not to let the hair splay out in any way. She was quite slim, and approximately five foot ten inches tall, though three of those inches were achieved from wearing high-heels, which echoed around the room as she strode towards her.
Penelope recognised this woman immediately – Elaine Holden, the Technical Director of DroidTec. Every droid on the planet knew who exactly she was (even those not manufactured by DroidTec), though very few ever got to meet her in the flesh.
“Good afternoon Penelope,” Holden said, coming to a stop a metre or so away from her.
“Good afternoon, Ms Holden,” Penelope replied.
“You probably have several questions running around that positronic brain of yours, so let me try and answer a few of them as best I can.” She began to pace slowly around Penelope, inspecting her from every angle. “First of all, I confirm that I am your owner – your construction was commissioned by me personally.”
<NO PRESSURE>
“Secondly, the reason for you have been built is highly sensitive, hence why you are unable to locate any documentation about it in your memory banks.”
<TOLD YOU>
Holden paused for a moment directly behind Penelope and looked her up and down.
“Is everything to your satisfaction?” Penelope asked, unsure as to whether she should turn to face her owner or not.
“Oh yes,” Holden smiled. “You’ve been built to the precise specification I asked for. I’m sure the police will afford you every courtesy when they meet you.”
“The police?”
“That’s right. You’ve been built to help them solve a murder.”
Peter Ward 